The Lord be praised!  Hallelujah!

I just came back from a seminar tonight on Prophecy at my church, The House of the Lord.  It was amazing!  I can't begin to describe it.  When I came into the church tonight I felt inadequate, but excited about what God would do in my life because I was obedient in showing up to the seminar.  What happened at the seminar was even more amazing.  God truly did speak to me and He also spoke THROUGH me!  I am blessed!  The man who led the seminar (I forget his name...) also had me stand up out of the whole crowd and prophecized about me.  He said that I have the gift of healing and that God would do amazing things in my life to heal me and to heal others through me.  It was beautiful.  I lifted my hands to God in surrender as he was telling me all the things that God wanted me to know.  I couldn't stop saying "Thank you Jesus" while he was speaking.  I felt the Holy Spirit stir up inside of me.  I just can't describe in words this incident anymore.  My heart was lifted.  To Him be the honor, glory and praise! 

We praise you Father God.  Those that might be reading this now.  Let our hearts be lifted unto you.  Heal us Lord.  Heal our land and the environments which surround us.  Lord touch my life and those also that are reading this.  Let them be blessed to see and hear the wonders of Your power and might.  To you be all glory and praise!  We do pray now in Your precious Spirit Lord.

In Jesus Holy Name,

Amen

God is extremely merciful and such a blessing!  I am not worthy of anything He gives me or does for me.  Why am I stating this?  On my way home from work today I was kind of speeding and got stopped by an officer.  He came over to my car and told me that I was going too fast and he clocked me at 43 in a 25.  I was thinking to myself, "Oh crap!  I don't have the money for another speeding ticket!  Rent is due tomorrow and I just paid my student loans today!"  Yikes!  He asked me if I was okay and I just said that I was sorry and had a really rough day and for him to please forgive me.  I knew that I was at fault.  Besides speeding, I (kind of) went through a red light.  I was almost under it when it turned red.  Plus, my birthday was Monday and I didn't have time to get my new sticker yet.  I had 3 violations against me.  The cop went over to his car and talked to the officer over his CB and when he came back he said to me that I did have 3 violations, but he wasn't going to give me a ticket.  He just gave me a warning.  God bless the heart of this officer because I sure should have gotten something!  I am not worthy of this blessing.  I know that I am completely at fault.  It is because of God's mercy and forgivness that I was able to escape without a ticket.  God be praised!  To Him be the glory, honor and praise!  Thank you God for having mercy on me, a sinner.  You see me as blameless and spotless when really I am a tarnished mess without you.  Every time I sin by speeding, I put Your Son on the cross to die.  I killed him by my speeding.  Please God forgive me.  I pray that You help me to slow down and stop trying to hurry all the time.  Please compel me to do so because I do not have the strength or reserve to do it on my own.  Thank You, God, for the officer's heart.  Bless him Father.  Bless him for blessing me.

In Your Name God I pray,

Amen

I haven't written in this for almost a year.  I feel that I need to start again.  I need to start aggressively writing what He is directing me to write. 

I just got home from church about 5-10 mins. ago.  My heart is broken.  It feels torn in two and pulled and stretched in every direction that it could go in.  This all started on Sunday night.  One of my church friends called me to tell me that she was sorry for something she did to me.  I didn't know what she was sorry for, so I naturally asked.  She said that she was mad at something I said to someone else, so she reacted in sin to me.  I asked her when that was.  Well, flash back to last Wed. night.  I saw my friend, B. sitting with someone else.  I came up and asked how Tues. night went (she went to see a guy friend).  Her friend asked why, so I jokingly said that B. had gotten all dressed up so that she could go see one of her guy friends.  B. got mad at me for saying that.  Now, here's where she sinned against me.  All of our guy friends started coming up to us after service and giving us hugs.  B. knows that I have a weakness for hugging people.  She told all the guys to keep hugging me even long after the hug was over, she would have them come back and tell them they weren't done yet.  I still needed more.  She later told me that the joke was on me.  She told me that she did that to poke fun of how I am around people.  I thought nothing of it when it happened.  I just thought she was being funny or whatever.  After she talked of how I was and how she feels that the way I am is unnatural and that I need help.  She then started asking me if I had enough love and affection from my mother in my life and then started psychoanalyzing my hugging behaviors.  If this wasn't bad enough, she was trying to tell me that God told her to tell me these things.  There was a lot more said in the conversation that I just can't write here because it was so personal.  After this conversation, I cried for about 2 hours.  I couldn't stop.  It was that kind of sob-crying that doesn't feel like it is ever going to come out.  Ever since Sun. night I cannot seem to get the anger and bitterness out of my heart for her.  I am mad at her.  For those who know me, they know I don't get mad easily.  It takes a lot to get me started.  I'm started though and I can't seem to stop. 

So, I was seated in church already and talking to someone else.  All of the sudden, she came up right behind me and sat in the row directly behind me.  She just kind of looked at me.  I said nothing.  What can I say?  Especially when you think you know someone.  When you think you know your friend and then they say something off the wall and it makes you just stop.  The only thing she knows is that I am angry with her right now.  I already communicated that to her on Sunday night before I hung up the phone.  How do we work the anger out of our hearts?  This isn't past forgivness and reconciling, but how do you get to that place when someone said something that hurt you to the core?  (I didn't reveal to you what was actually said.  It was, however, a knife taken to the core and twisted inside of me.  My wound is deep.)

Worship was beautiful though.  I didn't quite listen to God and what He was saying, but I sang to Him.  His beautiful spirit inside of me stirred and I cried again.  I cried in my wounds and knew that it was Him that was healing me inside.  I still hurt.  How could I not hurt?  I guess this is the beginning of a test to learn what ministering to someone really is.  My Bishop was talking about this not too long ago.  He said that real ministry is tested when you are with someone that you don't really like or that you have a problem with and still, you are looking out for THEIR best interest at hand.  Ministry is when you live through the ridicule and the back-biting comments and you really dig down deep with people that are doing the things to you.  Ministry is when you hold your tongue and serve those who persecute you or revile or hate you.  I thank you my dear Lord and Savior that this is what you do for us everyday!  Men revile you.  They slander Your Holy Name and they are still blessed!  With the power of one word that You would utter, You could take away their homes, their families, their loved ones, their possessions, their money... YOU could take it all away.  It is through Your saving grace and mercy that we are blessed!  Thank you Lord!  Teach me to love and serve Your people in the same way that You love and serve me.  Forgive my actions and try and test me in Your Holy and blameless ways.  It is in Your Name I give all glory and honor and praise!  Praise God!  Amen!

Wow!  I really haven't written anything in a while, have I?  I just need to write something right now in order to de-stress.  I've been stressing out about anything and everything as of late.  I just have so much work to do with school.  I have a test in a couple days and I just don't feel like I know anything about anything for it.  I just don't want to do it.  I've hit an apathetic block.  Studying all night tomorrow night is not a welcoming thought.  Then I have 3 papers due all on the same day next week.  Two of the papers are research papers.  It's like, I'm trying to gear up to do them all, and I just don't want to do it.  I don't care anymore.  And then, if this isn't enough, I have voice lessons.  My only final during finals week is to get up and sing for the voice faculty.  Easy right?  Well... Sadly enough, this is one of my biggest stresses. 

I was a voice major for about 3 years.  I took voice lessons every semester and everything always worked out fine.  I never had to worry about finding an accompanist because one was always provided for me.  However, this year is different.  My voice teacher told me about a week and a half ago that I need to find somebody to accompany me on piano during my voice final.  I've been trying so hard to find someone to play for me.  I just feel like it is impossible.  I even tried my Aunt Pam, but she is in Florida.  All the rest of my college age friends have their own finals to worry about.  Having someone learn the accompaniment in this amount of time is rude to ask too.  My only other option is to find a faculty member in the piano department and have them play for me, but they charge (I think my voice teacher told me) around $20 for a half hour per practice time.   There is no way that I am paying that much for one class that doesn't even count toward graduation for me.  I only took this to fill up credit hours.  Plus, I wanted to get back into singing.  I miss singing.  I wanted to put fun back in my life by singing again.  This is just not happening.  I'm more stressed right now just thinking about this all and trying to come up with someone.  I'm so stressed with it right now that I just up and skipped my voice lesson today.  I didn't even call my voice teacher.  I didn't care.  The only thing I care about is that I feel guilty skipping it and not telling the teacher that I wasn't going to show up.  I probably frustrated her.  I feel bad about it and I am going to write her an e-mail apologizing for not showing up, but at the same time, I just couldn't do it.  I'm frustrated and upset. 

If you are reading this, please pray for me.  With both work and school right now, I am frazzled.  I just don't feel at peace right now.  It's hard to get through it all.  Please pray that God blesses me with patience and perseverance.

I pray God blesses your day right back.

Okay... I'm angry.

It's nothing particular.  I'm just angry.  And frustrated.  Or, maybe it is something in particular...

I'm stressed!  I'm stressed and I'm tired!  I'm tired of everyone wanting everything of me.  I have nothing left inside me to give to anyone.  And, I'm sick of my life.  I need to move on from where I am at.  There's not much for me in life while I am just stuck here in Akron.  Being a student.  And working.  Ick!  I'm so tired of living this same old tired schedule!  I need something.  I need something to make me feel worthwhile.  I'm just not motivated to do anything right now. 

It's mid-terms this week and I am frightened to death!  I just don't care about anything even related to my classes!  I have a paper due on Tuesday and I haven't even read the book for it yet.  I don't know when I am even going to have time to read, let alone type the paper!  I'm so screwed!  The last paper I wrote for this teacher was not received well.  I received a C- on it with a not attached at the bottom saying that he believed I was disinterested in the subject.  The sad thing is that I AM disinterested, but it is not just in the subject.  I'm disinterested in my sad state of existence.  I do nothing anymore except for go to class and work.  There is nothing even remotely of another spectrum to my life. 

I was supposed to go to a friend's dorm room tonight to hang out and catch up with her.  I have too much work to do.  I haven't talked to her (and I mean TALK, not just "how's the weather" type of conversation) in about a month, I think.  It's terrible.  I feel like I have no real relationships here.  All of my close friends are either married, engaged, thinking of having babies, having babies, or they have moved away to start a new stage of life.

.........................................................................................................................

Okay...  all of what I've written down seems so insignificant right now.  My roommate's girlfriend just stopped over.  She was crying.  They just got into a huge fight.  I had no idea, but they talked about getting married a month ago and she said she needed time off to think.  They hadn't talked until tonight when he told her he didn't know if he loved her anymore.  Things in my life seem so little in comparison.  Here are two people that love and care about each other and they may now throw 3 years of a relationship away because of their pride.  Why can't people throw pride away when it comes to loving someone?  Why are people so selfish?  When I give myself to someone, I will GIVE myself.  100%!  Why is it that nowaday committments don't seem like much?

In my heart right now I am praying.  Please God don't let them leave it all like this.  Don't let them walk away.  I wish they knew God and of God's infinite love and how we are called to love one another in pure and unselfish love.  I guess much of the world has left that notion behind though.  We are a nation of bitter hearts that have been broken and duct taped back together in order to move on to the next person, just to get broken again.  Please God let them do more than just duct tape the broken pieces together.  Bind them together with the love you have instilled in our hearts.  Show them their love and reveal what needs to happen in their relationship.  Whether they break up or wind up married, give them both a peace.  Most of all though, show them true love.  Love sent from You.